Gravity

I’m late on this again. I am slipping, or perhaps falling away from my commitment to this already. I shall not give up.

I wonder sometimes why I have such a problem remembering things. I don’t think I am a generally forgetful person. I pretty much always know my work schedule even though I never write it down week to week. I remember stupid math equations from statistics a year ago. I have a great memory for locations, I can still remember the exact house of both of my ex-girlfriends even though it has been 3-4 years since I had any reason to get near them. I can tell you random cheats for stupid old video games.

But I cannot remember a doctors appointment. At least, not the way I should. I will remember a week in advance. I’ll check the calendar thinking, “oh shit its today isn’t it! Oh phew, its next week.” Then it is completely forgotten until the day after the event.

Is something wrong with me? With my brain? One might think its just a short-term problem, but I remember lots of other things in the short term. What I ate for the last few meals for example.

I think I must just fight the forgetfulness. Pile it on top of the balanced tower of distractions. Remember to fight gravity from letting it fall down.

Disappointment

There is a subtle line between frustration and anger. I think I am a person who is pretty good at not crossing over that threshold. Perhaps I am someone who just accepts when things go wrong.

Things went wrong yesterday, obviously. I forgot to write my blog on time. Although, that was a mistake made, I believe, from the weight of all the other disappointments on my mind. Regardless of what a nerd I am for playing Dungeons and Dragons I enjoy it. Now it has been a full five weeks since my group got to play, and next week won’t be available.

There were many things that went wrong all weekend though. I have already vented enough about my Friday. Problems of that day linger though.

I had a dream last night in which I had to walk around barefoot. I crossed the area and got some glass in my right foot that made it hurt to walk but I could not stop for some reason. I had to do something hazy, and then come back, across the glass once more. Finally I was able to deal with cause of my pains. With some tweezers I got out the first piece, a wedge jammed straight up the into my heel. The next one I removed was on the right side of my foot, it was much longer then I had thought it would be, at least 2 inches. The next one was on the back of my foot, angled up towards my ankle. This one was not as long but just as painful.

The last one was on the left side, it was shaped like a long rectangle. I could see it under my skin extending from the entry point. It was deep, only the tiniest bit poking out, not enough to grab. I had to move the tweezers into the wound in order to grab it. Forcing a gap between the glass and my insides revealed that a vein had been severed. Blood gushed forth and pain shot up my leg. I had to get it out, so I worked at it, slowly. I woke up from the relief I felt when I had finally succeeded.

North

I don’t really know why it is I find the North intriguing. There is the obvious personal preference reasons, like the colder weather. Anyone that knows me knows I like the ease of getting warm in the cold compared to cool in the heat. There is my love of overcast and rainy skies. But there is more to it than that.

I have a fascination with the Norsemen and Vikings. It almost seems as though they belonged to that world I love to escape into with fantasy books.

My cousin is moving North this week, to Washington. I had a friend who went to college in Washington. Whenever he came back he would talk about how nice it was to see the sun again. How sad the sky was to cry over the land for weeks or months at a time. This always sounded nice to me.

The fantasy book I am currently reading is by an author named Robin Hobb. The about the author at the end of the book says only that the author lives in Washington, nothing else. I’ve thought about being a writer. And I’ve thought even more about moving North.

Isolation

Sometimes I feel oddly alone in the town I’ve always lived in. One would think this, of all places, would be where I know the most people. Perhaps that is still true, but I still know very few.

Its not as if I don’t know why this is so. I’m not the most social person in the world, and I spent all of my schooling since I was fourteen at locations twenty-five miles from my home. But since graduating in summer of 2005 I’ve only really met 7 or 8 people outside of my job. That is an average of like 2 people a year.

I am probably being melodramatic because one of those few people is moving at the end of the week. It is just all so sudden, and gets me thinking. Made me start thinking that perhaps I know so few people because of a subconscious desire for the small community life that no longer seems to exist. A more tribal time.

While thinking about these things I heard a news report about the Devadasis in India being a reason AIDS is such a problem in that country. All I could think about was how in the old days when communities were so much smaller the priestess’ jobs would service a very small community. This rapid spread of disease would be much less likely to happen because of that simple fact.

Perhaps humans were much more of a pack animal in the past. Small groups where everyone knew everyone. The loss of one was the pain of all.