She Did Good By Me

We said goodbye for the last time today, after taking our usual trip together. We listened to music on the radio, like old times, instead of NPR like we had been more recently.

It was a little odd at first, I had been with others over the last couple weeks, younger ones. But I always loved how stable she felt on those usual curves. I think it was her weight that seemed so safe.

But it was her time. 22 years is a long time for a car.

She did good by me.

Radius

I’ve had “my own” car pretty much since I was 16. It has been very nice, but it has also made me rather dependant on having a car. My world is a 50 mile radius regardless of the time. But “my” car is finally finished.

I have needed a new one for a long time. Anyone who had seen that car should be able to vouch for that. And everyone who reads this has seen said car.

I’m not totally sure that I am quite prepared for a new car however. I have been moved this step a bit faster then I had anticipated. Although that hasn’t always been the case. I had many plans for my transportation before financial realities really kicked in.

For one thing my original calculations said I would be able to put more money away over the course of the year then I was able. Not to mention the stock market saw to reducing a large portion of what I expected to have as well. And now with the requirement of a new car I feel displaced.

But things are looking up. For one thing, I would be hard pressed to find a car worse then I already had. In fact, a new car might expand my radius once again.

Week Off

I should have just decided to take this week off and make a post about taking it off earlier. I didn’t though, I kept telling myself I would find time and do a real post. But I’m not going to this week.

I’m just going to say I was too busy, but next week I will definitely do one. Maybe even two to make up for this.

Rain Dance

I woke up each morning feeling a gnawing cold in my gut. But I would get up, and as the day progressed my chest would get heavy so everything seemed laborious. By the evenings I would be worn away and lightheaded drifting around the house. My nights were sleepless while my body felt parched in ways I could not seem to satisfy. It wasn’t always like that, but I never seemed to think of the old days, when I was living. I spent at least two years like that, unlucky years. I would feel those pains my subconscious secreted into every moment. I needed something I had lost during my years in highschool. Something they had taught out of me. Samhain was nearing and I was convinced that I just wasn’t getting out enough. I reached out to try and change some of the things I knew I didn’t have. I had no job, no women or men, no connections.

I began looking for work as I reached out for friendships. All the people I rarely saw reached back, so increased my human contact. Then I reached for affection and found a woman, afraid connect. Just as Samhain hailed the new year she reached back towards me. I took the chance to bond, but found I needed something more. I continued my search for a job, and the rains began, I took no heed. Each day of rain that passed was another failed day at getting a job. I felt myself slipping back towards the unlucky years, my subconscious pressing uncomfortably through the days once more.

The sun was setting very early now, and I spent most of my days and nights staring into my computer’s glow. One dark evening I finally noticed the rain. I heard it dancing across the roof of my room, and chiming against the windows. I had a strange and strong desire to go outside and dance with it, like I did when I was young. I went to the threshold of the moist rhythms and removed my tethers to the indoors--my shirt, socks, pants, glasses, even my hair tie--stepping exposed into the storm. The drops were cold and hit my skin with surprising force. I walked out farther, to where I would have room to move my body, and let the music pound into my flesh. I closed my eyes and began to dance. I danced to the south, to the fire, and felt warm. I danced to the east, to the air, and felt lighter. I danced to the north, to the earth, and felt rooted. I danced to the west, to the water, and felt quenched. I felt connected to the world, like I did in the old days, once again.